Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
