My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
