Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
