After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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