I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
