You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
