But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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