tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
