My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How external is "for external use only"?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
