The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
