FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
