Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
