onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
