Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
