oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
