you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
BRING THE BAGELS
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
