if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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