I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
Randomize