An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
