My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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