Nicole vs. Life
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
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I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
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ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That was before I lit my hair on fire
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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