I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
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I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
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You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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