How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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