Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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