just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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