She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
