wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
