can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
