My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
