Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
