If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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