just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
