I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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