I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
