you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
