I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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