dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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