I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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