I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
