I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
