Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
