Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
