My brain says no but my pants say off.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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