god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
