i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
foreskin is a definite game changer
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
