The maid of honor just puked.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
