i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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