I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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