woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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