you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
