I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
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He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
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Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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