I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
