I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
