I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
