20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
