Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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