Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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