Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i believe in u and ur pee
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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