There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
