i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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