The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
