and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
