the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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