Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
