On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
